Dingus of the week: Glendale Community College
This week, the president doubled down on his top priorities: Building a gold-plated toilet in the White House and creating a giant pot of money so the QAnon Shaman can pay back the 1-800-lawyer who defended him for breaking into the Capitol and threatening Mike Pence. More specifically, the president dropped a $10 billion lawsuit he brought against his own executive branch; in exchange, the Justice Department created a $1.8 billion taxpayer-funded slush fund for his friends. That’s the logic of today’s GOP: If you have debt from going to college or from getting sick, you are a waster, a pathetic little weasel, a blight on society. But if you have debt from smashing windows at the Capitol and trying to overthrow the government, you’re an American hero and entitled to compensation under the law. Why did I ever get that English degree when I could have punched Mike Pence and become the people’s princess? Perhaps hating Mike Pence is the one thing, in these divided times, on which all Americans can agree. Except maybe for Mike himself. (But Karen is definitely on our side.) Anyway, speaking of college degrees, this was graduation week. Families and friends gathered to celebrate the years of hard work, alcohol poisoning, and accruing debt that their loved ones went through to get that little piece of paper that shows they have attained knowledge and are ready to sell their souls to a company for a little bit more money. And all across the nation, colleges and universities feted those walking dollar signs they call students by reminding them that America loves robots more than human life or human worth. For example, Glendale Community College in Arizona used AI to read the names of graduating students during commencement. Yes, it screwed up and skipped a few graduates. College president Tiffany Hernandez had to stand up to explain. In a video from the YouTube livestream, Hernandez told the crowd, “So here’s what’s happening: We’re using a new AI system as our reader.” At this point, she was interrupted with a chorus of boos. She then placed her hand on her heart, perhaps to convey sincerity, and said, “Yup, yup. So that is a lesson learned for us.” Hernandez explained the school would not be able to redo the ceremony to include everyone, but the graduating students who were not called would be able to come onstage for their photo. Imagine you pay between $2,000 (for in-state and in-county residents) to $11,000 a semester to get a degree, which you were probably working part- or full-time hours to afford. Perhaps you are a parent , balancing work, school, and children. And you get through all of that – the classes, the homework, the exhaustion, the juggling of childcare — and your celebratory moment is wrecked because your cheap-ass school thought it might be sweet to have Bender the robot read your name instead of Ted the underpaid faculty member. And the woman in charge, who earns a quarter-million dollars , has to put on a show of remorse for that little "oopsie" of outsourcing your big day to a robot that is jacking up your electricity bill and sucking up all the water. Listen, you have faculty right there. And if professors can do one thing, it’s read. And if they can do two things, it's read for a long time. And if they can do THREE THINGS, it’s read for a long time without stopping and bore everyone. Why not use them? Why would you use an entire small nation’s worth of potable water to screw up commencement because the idea sounded cool and you want to leverage your technical assets or whatever ChatGPT said to you in the middle of the night when your husband didn’t come to bed because he was too busy muttering about his point spread on DraftKings? Maricopa Community Colleges, which oversees Glendale, apologized in a statement, calling it a “technical error.” Sure, and me putting poison in Sam Altman’s Soylent is a “simple oversight.” The Hawkeye vodka in Pete Hegseth’s water bottle is a “small lapse in judgment.” And Elon Musk's Tesla labor violations were just a little spreadsheet snafu. It’s not an error; it’s the way the system was designed. All over America, graduating students loudly booed commencement speakers who lauded our AI future. (Which so far just means Chat GPT regurgitates our own ideas back to us, but a little bit dumber, a lot more violently, and with much more damage to the environment.) But all those boos? Those are my good things, too. Keep booing, kids. Dinguses, where are they now? … White House Renovations HGTV DC has hit a funding issue. Turns out it's actually really unpopular to appropriate $1 billion in taxpayer money to build a giant golden ballroom while even Gwyneth Paltrow is out here cutting back on expensive organic tomatoes and returning to cheap carbs. I’d ask the ghost of King Louis XVI for his advice on building golden palaces while your subjects struggle to afford the basics, but apparently he can’t find his head. And now for something good Tennis legend Billie Jean King earned her bachelor’s degree at 82. A kindergarten teacher accidentally achieved what I now realize is my lifelong dream – being a caretaker of 200 penguins. A Tennessee man jailed over his comments about Charlie Kirk is now owed $835,000 by the Perry County officials who incarcerated him for exercising his First Amendment rights. And in another win, wildlife biologist Brittney Brown won a $485,000 settlement against the state of Florida after she was fired for her posts about Charlie Kirk’s death. Hey, checks and balances, I hardly knew ye! The EPA is looking at how data centers use water. Something I am enjoying Little league baseball is back! Which means walking tacos are back. This also means Lyz eating hot dogs for dinner is back. Last year, I decided, as a bit, that I would review the snack shack at the little league games as if it were a fine dining restaurant. And I began these reviews in a notes app document that I never completed, until Wednesday night’s baseball game. My son’s team lost, 8-19. It was a brutal game. But you all won. Because here is my review of all the snack shack items I’ve consumed thus far. (Also, don’t worry, I tip very very well.) Reviewing the food at the little league snack stand The hot dog: This hot dog is a standard take on the American classic, where the bloated liver-colored dog sits on the defeated bun. The bun has one simple job: Hold the meat tube, mustard, ketchup, and relish. The utilitarian form of this bread-like — but surely not-quite-bread — foodstuff does its job handily. While much like the leaders of its country, it’s unnatural in skin tone, tumid in appearance, and ill-fitting in its wrappings, it also gets the job done, albeit violently and through suspect methods. 5 out of 5 ; my favorite. The nachos : The nachos come in two forms: plain with cheese on top or supreme. Supreme offers jalapeños. But if you say, “yes, I want jalapeños” they never materialize. Many of the food items on the menu exist only as ideas rather than in reality. This may be because it’s a run by exhausted parent volunteers with food sourced from some unknown big-box retailer. Or it’s a philosophical statement on the solipsism of food and the individual. (See also: the chicken sandwich.) The mouthfeel of the cheese-based product is akin to that of melted plastic, with the same smooth aftertaste. The nachos are best loaded up with everything and they look so colorful with all the tomatoes and lettuce and olives and the little swirl of sour cream which, is piped from a plastic bag. But don’t be fooled, because through some clever trick every single food item tastes exactly the same. At this point, I must comment on the chip itself, which is so jaundiced in color as to beg for a bilirubin light. But it lacks the backbone needed to stand up for itself under the heavy weight of so many same-tasting different-colored ingredients. And where has its salt gone? Only in the Midwest could a chip so offensively unsalted exist. I am actually impressed. 2 of out 5: Please go to Sam’s Club and get the spicy nacho cheese in the big metal gallon tub. If we must consume a petroleum byproduct, at least make it taste like something that is not petroleum. And why do the tomatoes taste like that? Actually, I do not want to know. The chicken sandwich: Last year, I was informed multiple times that despite the chicken sandwich being on the menu there was in fact, no chicken sandwich. The chicken sandwich at this snack shack is more of a conceptual item: It exists on the menu only, not in the physical realm. It’s really an artistic statement about the ubiquity of the chicken sandwich as a concept, a universal experience, so often consumed and yet so rarely individualized. 5 out of 5 : Stay mysterious, queen. The soft pretzel: The breadstuff of the pretzel is briefly warmed and comes served with the aforementioned cheese stuff. You have but a moment to eat this pretzel before it has the consistency of the tire of the Ford Raptor that tried to run you over while you were crossing the parking lot. I suppose in a way it reminds you of the brevity of life and that we only have these small moments with our children to be cherished before they are grown. So in that way, the food is not just barely edible, but also a reminder of how much we need to be present in these moments. 1 out of 5.
